In any event, this is the first post of a true blog nature; I'm simply going to log my speech endeavors as I pray for special grace, whether God chooses to answer by healing (my first choice), anointing my own efforts to improve my speech, or by withholding action all together.
I've found desiringgod.org to be of unique comfort. John Piper and the other writers of the site do such a solid job of bringing it back to scripture, often in a light that I never would have otherwise seen. An entry I found last night: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/we-should-pray-for-healing
In it, they mention that if we find ourselves lacking faith (read: trust) God will do something we ask Him or want to ask Him to do, we can begin by asking Him to give us more faith. The question I have is: What about when I ask for faith He will do something He does not plan on doing?
For future use, I direct myself back to the tail-end of the sermon Johnny Hunt, our church's pastor, delivered yesterday, August 7th (9:30 service). He made reference to Galatians 3:3 in which Paul rebukes the Galatians for reverting back to fleshly efforts when the Spirit has been given to them. At least that was the context in which Johnny placed it. He mentioned that we should be wary of attempting something only God can do in our own flesh. I need to listen to it again, but it felt like the last quarter of that sermon was directed right at me. Still, nearly everything he mentioned has crossed my mind at times. He was being so very vague: speaking of "frustrating" obstacles that feel like we'll never get past. All I could do was look out at the congregation - thousands of people - and feel like there's not even one of them that could know what he's talking about apart from me, simply because of the vagueness on Johnny's part was yielded so very specifically on mine. Stuttering.
That's the very thing with which I am most frustrated; ought I pour my efforts into improving my speech by reading books, attending support groups, practicing, diving in head-first to the deep end of attempting to overwrite my stuttering with better speech habits? Or is that relying on myself in lieu of God when I should be spending that time and effort in diligent prayer? It's a given that I haven't "fixed" my speech to date. But being something that I can't seem to do on my own, should I pray for God to strengthen me so I can? Or should I pray that God would work on my behalf entirely, healing me?
Yet both of these prayers, seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum, are made all the more difficult when it seems like God has answered neither in the past, save for a simple comfort in the middle of the worst times. I trust that, if he has chosen to act in ways that seem like he has withdrawn, it's only in His wisdom. Systematically, I know He will wipe every tear away when we enter into the New Earth and the New Heaven. But in the meantime, it makes it no easier - I see all the things I would secretly love to do pass by. Things I would rather pour myself into if he would heal me. I'd love to teach Sunday school (or even join a Sunday school class). I'd love to preach again. And I think I would be good at it, Lord allowing. I would like to put myself in a position to possibly lead the orchestra at church when our director retires. I can't do that on my own ability. I need God to do something about my stuttering. Yet guidance seems totally absent. My own ability to assess my speech seems to be all the weaker while the demands seem to be piling skyward.
Maybe God is allowing me to come to a very lowest point in an effort to show me how good and powerful He is.
From the DG post:
"Should we pray for healing? Yes! The New Testament instructs us to ask God to distribute this gift for the glory of Jesus. Pray for the sick. God will only answer these prayers with good! Don’t settle for little faith and low expectations. Stir up faith! Earnestly desire this gift. With Paul, earnestly desire healing for the common good of your church. With the saints of Acts, ask for this gift as witness to the world of the gospel of the kingdom.
A word of warning: Since healing is a harbinger of Satan’s demise, he will oppose and thwart it wherever he can. Similar to sharing the gospel, expect to be assaulted with self-doubts, accusations, fears, and various discouragements when you plan to step out in faith. Often we need to press through a season of adversity before we see a breakthrough.
How should we pray for healing? The Bible provides a few models but no formulas. Basically, ask God. It’s the prayer of faith that heals the sick (James 5:15)."
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